Patchwork PhD

And Remember: Special time is for grown- ups, too.

2012-02-18T19:44:00.001-05:00

Wow. It's been a while since my last post. I must have been pretty busy over the last six weeks...

The reason that I named this blog "Patchwork PhD" is because my career is patched together from a bunch of different things that I really like doing. I’m an instructor at one place, a supervisor and administrator at another place, a clinician in private practice, and a consulting psychologist for Family court. Add in all of that, plus the community work, the professional service, and the mommy-hood and sometimes I don’t have time to think, let alone blog!

One reason I wear so many hats is because I like to take opportunities as they come to me. I like to be busy, and I love to feel helpful… And here’s the problem.

If you say yes all the time, it starts to get harder to do good work in all the things you commit to. Then things start to slide: Sleep, exercise, and healthy eating are usually the first to go with me… With many of the families that I work with, I see similar things. And all that stress starts to take its toll on getting along and being together.

So, today’s challenge is to all those working parents… that’s right, dad’s, too. (For the record, I don’t think dad’s can babysit their own kids despite what the Census Bureau says. That is a topic for a different blog. Click here for one dad’s view of the ridiculous of the whole thing. I digress.)

What has started to slide in your life? Is it time to reprioritize something? You can’t wait for time to create itself for special time with the kids, or fitness, or date night with the spouse. You have to MAKE time. Schedule something for this week that you have been putting off. I dare you.

Sit Down or Get Knocked Down

2012-01-01T23:36:00.000-05:00

I hear people say, and I've said it myself, that sometimes it's just not worth it to take a vacation: you have to pile things in to get ready for the break and when you come back you have to scramble to catch up. I've heard it and felt it often enough to know it's true most of the time.

But it doesn’t apply just to vacation. It also applies to taking time off when you're sick. Plus, you get to add the phenomenon of not wanting to take sick days when you are actually sick.

Well, last week I was sick. Really, I was sick for about two weeks prior to that. But last week, it was bad enough that I had to leave Head Start (where I consult) early, I cancelled patients, I couldn’t sleep well, I ate my weight in cough drops. I was cranky. I was sick sick. But if I had stopped ad taken care of myself any time during the two weeks I was just feeling a little sick, I could have made things easier on myself. And the people around me.

At the base of parenting, is self- care. It’s there for a reason. You cannot care for others when your body, your life, your sanity is falling down around you. And if you think to ignore it, Think again.

So, what are you going to do this week to care for yourself?

And if you left me a message last week, please be patient. I’ll get to it.

Tis the Season... (A Worksheet)

2011-12-19T16:06:00.001-05:00

You can decide what the words mean to you. Then, how you are going to do these things during this hectic holiday season. Go!

to reflect:

to rejoice:

to be thankful:

to live your values:

to make a change if needed:

Mama Bear Mode & the Boy Scout Motto

2011-11-27T01:30:00.004-05:00

My daughter got hit by a car today. Scary, right? Oh, yeah. We were walking across the street with a very non- pedestrian friendly cross walk. The traffic to our right got their green light when we were half way across. A cabbie must have missed seeing us about the same time my daughter decided to run to try and get out of the way so the cars could go. I was right behind her. She was almost out of his lane and I was almost in it. He slammed on his brakes and ran in to her. She wasn't knocked over but it was enough to scrape her leg and shake her up pretty bad.

He had the nerve, the gall, the audacity to yell about his light being green.

It was one of those moments, you know the ones. When your mind snaps. You are beyond the capacity for rational thinking. I may have said a few things at the top of my lungs that were less than civilized. I didn't call the police. I didn't get the cabbie's contact or automobile information. I didn't do anything helpful. Except make sure that my kid was okay and hurriedly reassure the onlooking gapers that things were okay and thank you very much. (Thank you so much to the kind DC nurse who checked on us and to the stranger we provided the cabbies license plate number "just in case.")

From: champagneandfrenchfries.blogspot.com

Later, and now. I am thinking about similar moments. When so many things are flooding your mind that you can't make a good decision. (She could have died. Is she bleeding? Is she hurt? She must be totally freaking out! Who the hell does this guy think he is? If he steps out of that car, he is going to be SORRY! What should I do now? Is this one of those true emergencies if she can walk? Who are all these people talking to me? I should have thought a little further ahead than the moment.

This was also one of those times when it is not clear just how emotional is TOO emotional. It reminds me of times when for a few moments I was unsure of where one of my children is. Maybe she wandered to the next store aisle. Or she took the late bus home rather than the regular bus. And in your mind, you know there is a logical explanation. And in your heart you are ready to rip some one's throat out. Am I alone in this one? When our children are threatened, our fight reflexes get ready and we swing into Mama Bear Mode. It is very difficult to think rationally and make good decisions when you are in Mama Bear (or Papa Bear) mode. Sadly, if I would have witness the exact same incident occur involving a different family, I would have been much more useful and much less of a wack-a-doo.

From: sodahead.com

I am a big believer and proud advocate of the notion that you rarely have to act "RIGHT NOW." Most decisions are not life- threatening, not critical, not all that dang important. And during those times it is important to give yourself time to think and consider the options. Another thing that can definitely be helpful is to have a blanket emergency plan ready for when something crazy happens. Who are you going to call? What constitutes an emergency (a vehicle striking a body should be on this list)? Do you have an emergency contact number in your phone?

The family challenge for this blog, if you choose to accept it, is to think of at least one emergency situation and then a plan, get it ready, and review it with your family. Here are some ideas (fire in the house, kids are locked out after school, parents don't come home as expected, a stranger offers them a ride home, someone is hit by a car in front of them).

From: peace.maripo.com

I'm not just trying to be nosey.

2011-11-10T22:55:00.001-05:00

Things to consider during an evaluation/ consultation for a child:

The child.
The environment/ setting.
The person they are interacting with.
The interactions within, between, and among all the people who live around the child.

So, when I talk with you (the parents) about how things are going between you, how you work together to discipline the child, whether you still get to date each other, and the level of conflict in your home, don't take it personally. I am asking you because your child already knows.

Pic "borrowed" from: http://www.ehow.com/how_8468563_give-coparenting-seminar.html

Would you believe you?

2011-10-28T23:13:00.000-04:00

About a week ago, I updated my FB status with the topic that I planned to blog about that night... It was actually 8 days ago, according to the time stamp. I put it there as a social contract... ya know, a public statement that, once made, makes me feel obligated to do what I said I would. Some people use a similar strategy with fitness and weight related behaviors. Announcing your goals can help keep you on track. For a number of reasons.

The topic I predicted was "building your reputation with your kids." And it's all related. As a parent, as a person, people begin to expect a pattern of behavior. If you are the kind of parent who works all of the time, your parents expect you to miss things and be home late. If you are the kind of parent who says you'll make the big game and you miss one after another, your family will expect you to miss events. Notice, I am talking about WHAT YOU DO, not what you say. If you say one thing, and do another, your family expects your word to mean nothing. Now... this can be a great way to keep expectations low, so they are all the more happy when you follow through... its also a great way to make sure your family doesn't trust you. Not so good a tradeoff.

One thing I see a lot: A parent who makes plans and then doesn't follow through. "I'll pick you up this weekend." Nothing. "I'll take you shopping." Nothing. "I'll give you this or that if you make a good choice." Nothing.

Think about this. If you went to work and did your job, and on pay day you went to collect your check and found nothing... what do you think you would do? How many paydays of nothing do you think you would keep working through? How long would it take before you became resentful, spiteful? How about out and out right defiant? Would it help if your boss said: “Next time.” Or “I just don’t have it.” Or “Suck it up, sometimes life isn’t fair.”

What have your kids come to expect from you? What do you want them to expect?

You get to share the blame AND the credit!

2011-09-28T22:54:00.001-04:00

Someone mentioned my blog today. Which reminded me of it and that I haven't written anything in a while. So, as I was walking the dogs and having conversations with myself to determine what to write about, I confused myself. I do that sometimes. Some things are too interrelated to keep straight. So, excuse me if I go astray on these related topics. Maybe today's challenge will be to figure out what in the world I'm talking about!

Here's a paraphrase of a challenge I saw on a billboard at the mall: Name 3 of Hollywood's leading men or women. Now, name 3 of your child's teachers.... But I digress.

Topic One: I am a child psychologist. For many people, this implies that I sit in a room with child after child and talk them into reason and compliant behavior. In fact, I have to remind parents (and others) that children don't develop separate from others, why would an effective treatment involve only working with them separate from others? Doesn't make sense, right? So. Dropping a child off for 50 minutes a week and expecting them to develop a new way of being, living, and interacting doesn't make sense either, right? I'll leave you to think about that for a minute.

Source

Topic Two: If I worked with adults, I could make more money. What? Let me explain. I spend a great deal of time on the phone talking to teachers, counselors, moms, dads, pediatricians, probation officers, extended family members, etc. You see, often, the struggles children are having relate to how well they fit into what's going on around them, what we call the systems (e.g., school, family, legal, etc). Think about this. If you are the kind of adult that doesn't like to sit still, who enjoys moving around, who is a hands on learner, who likes to make noise, then when you choose the kinds of environments to "live" in, you will pick the ones that fit you. The ones that allow you some freedom to be who you are. However, if you are a child, you don't get to make so many choices. You don't choose where you live, who you live with, who shares a room with you, where you go to school, how much time you spend in a given class, what you eat, when you eat. Sometimes you don't even get to choose what you wear! So, my money per hour goes DOWN DOWN DOWN as I work with and consult with all the people in all the places where children live. The kicker is, adults live in a bunch of different systems, too. We just get a little better at generalizing our skills across situations as we get older. We also get better at protecting our systems from each other. Theoretically.

So, here's what I want you to do. Take a minute to think of something really bad that has happened to you since you had kids. Now think of all the ways that the bad thing effected your children. Directly. Indirectly. Don't forget things like "I was so sad that I couldn't spend time with them when they got home from school." Those are indirect consequences. Now, do the same thing for something great that happened to you. Imagine how it would be if you were being effected by those things but had very little choice in the situation, the outcome, or how to cope with it. For some kids, you also have to consider their ability to understand what's going on around them... based on their age or brain smarts.

Remember that as the CEO of the family, you call the shots... wait. That metaphor's a bit mixed. But you get the idea. You are calling the shots but the team needs you to remember that you are all in the game together.

Source

Back to School Part I: We all have a job to do.

2011-09-07T06:13:00.000-04:00

Whew. I haven't blogged in a while. Must mean I haven't had anything to say, huh? Wrong! I've been busy. But today. I woke up 2.5 hours earlier to wake my now- Freshman for school. Back to school time. Back on schedule.

One of the things that I do with my time is to consult with teachers at Head Start. Basically, if there is a kiddo with challenging behaviors, I go into the classroom and help them come up with strategies to work with the kiddo better. What I have noticed over the last few years is that behaviors are getting more challenging. Plus, more kids are coming into the Head Start with challenging behaviors.

I actually have this conversation all the time: why does this new generation of kids seem so angry and aggressive? There are lots of ideas, because there is no single cause. Failing economy, poor access, time management, parents with an inability to manage their own emotions... the list goes on. But what I deal with the most, because of what I do, is adults who aren't sure how to teach kids how to manage their anger (sadnes, fear). Who can't say: "all feelings are ok" because no one has the time to go through the steps of feeling better. Many teachers and parents just don't have time for the conflict or the tears. But just as importantly, no one wants to feel uncomfortable. We want to protect the kids and protect ourselves.

But I'm here to tell you that feelings are not the enemy. They give you information about what's ahead or what's behind you. You can use the information to help lead you to your next choice. It's what you do with feelings that can be the problem. So many children are coming into schools with no sense of how to cope with uncomfortable feelings. And teachers are certainly struggling with how to help kids learn social and emotional bits along with math and language bits. As they should. They can't do it all alone anymore than most families could.

The solution: we have to work together. It's crazy I know. So, no more of this: "he's your problem when he's at school attitude, this year, okay?"

Challenge for you! Meet each of your child's teachers and know them by name by the end of the month. Yep, even your highschoolers. Go!

How are you creating the smog?

2011-08-18T20:40:00.002-04:00

I was ridiculously moved by this video. Partly because of the story with which she opens her talk. Imagine it. Being held prisoner, breaking free, walking for your life, just surviving. Risking everything to live! We have so much we take for granted. Here I mean the universal We that includes myself. I also recognize that there continues to be war, famine, poverty, abuse, danger, foodlessness, cold, terror all around the world and within our own county and communities.
The other reason I love this video is the idea of the invisible connectors between us. The idea that the space between a people rather than couples) is the playgroup for the child and that it is subject to pollution. I purposefully substitute the word "people" for "couples." Because it is the space between parents and their children, between teachers, between adults in the superrmarket, between children on the blacktop.

How can you make your space a little cleaner today?

Good news: You don't have to work out EVERY DAY either!

2011-08-13T12:45:00.001-04:00

I was at the gym the other day with a cup of coffee. I almost always take one with me when I walk out of my house in the morning. Sometimes I don’t even drink it. It's part of my thing. Anyway, I was drinking it and a friend who was taking the class with me said something like: "WHAT! Is that coffee? Oh my goodness" using *that* tone. You know the one, the one that says: I can't believe you would befoul yourself with poisons. She then went on to relate the guy she saw walking into the building on his way to work out while smoking a cigarette. "A CIGARETTE! Can you imagine? I was like, aren't you on the way to the gym?!

First, let’s get past the judgmental tone. I could have imagined it. Maybe I’m sensitive to drinking coffee while working out. Maybe I don't like it being compared to smoking...

Underlying all of that, it seems, is this idea that if you aren’t doing EVERYTHING you can, you shouldn’t bother doing ANYTHING. This is such a false way to go about making significant changes in your life... its setting yourself up for failure... and here is the tie in to parenting... you were wondering weren't you?

When parents want to regain control of their kids' disruptive behavior, the can generate a laundry list of things they want to be different about the child: he doesn’t listen, he talks to much, he can’t stay on task, he talks back, he hits his brother/sister, he's disrespectful, he steals, he lies, he doesn’t say please and thank you.... if you go after all of those things at once, you are done for. And exhausted and ineffective, ta boot!

So, for today. Pick two behaviors that are at the top of the list of things that are off limits. Not just annoying, but completely unacceptable. From the list above the hitting is a good candidate. With those two things, be as consistent as possible with making a consequence happen that you can stick with. That means a SHORT time out. A BRIEF removal from a privilege. If you make the consequence too long it’s harder to keep in place AND the kids don’t get anything out of it anyway, except resentment. Which, by the way, is not a good attitude to start with the next time you need to set a limit.

DOUBLE WHAMMY! Pick three behaviors that you are going to consistently encourage. What are three things your kids do that you want them to do more of: say hello in a nice voice, use gentle hands with their baby brother, get dressed on time, set their own alarm, remember their medicine, sit quietly while you are on the phone. Unlike the other category, feel free to sprinkle SPECIFIC encouragement (such as: "I like the way you held the door for your sister") liberally.

I like bite-size brownies better

2011-07-31T00:54:00.000-04:00

Change is not easy. And sticking with a change is not easy. One of the most common things that I hear when I recommend a behavior management strategy for parents to use is: "Oh, we've tried that. It worked at first, but then it stopped working." With a little digging, you can often get to the realization that a plan worked at first, and then was difficult to maintain. Thus, the parents stopped working, the strategy stopped working, and the system went back to its status quo.

This relates to two things I've been thinking about this week. First, it's important to break your big goals down into little bite- size pieces. Small manageable sustainable pieces. If you try to do everything at once, you'll get burned out, discouraged and you will stop working. Then the strategy stops working. Then you go back to the status quo... seeing the connection, here?

Sometimes the status quo is something that we don't even think about. We fall into the same old habits after a period of success and then we look around and realize that our efforts have wained. Maybe you were checking your kid's agenda every night for a while and you realize that you haven't seen it in a month. Or you have been going to the gym for a month and then you look up and you haven't been in a week. Or, you scheduled family dinner night but you haven't actually made it home on time because the job is always such a time consumer.

The second thing is that we set ourselves up for success and failure. Not like you think: "how can I make sure I fail at this goal this week." But... let me give you a concrete and personal example. I have a goal to do a certain number of fitness minutes every week. But then, each week I find that I have added more and more non-fitness related activities to my schedule. Although this does not DIRECTLY effect my fitness minutes, per se, it does set me up for failing at my goal. It interferes. It not only reduces my time for fitness, it increases my tiredness, and decreases my motivation. You get me?

So... blog challenge for this week. What is a small bite size goal you have for yourself this week? AND how are you going to help set yourself up for success?

Image Source: http://www.websalesdevelopment.com/training.html

Who's side are you on, anyway?

2011-07-12T17:53:00.001-04:00

I had this great thing to blog about. Two days ago. I can remember thinking all day: "I can't wait to be able to write about this." But now, those thoughts are just memories of greatness. And as I write that sentence, I wonder how many other great things I have forgotten. I have no doubt that when I get into my car to head home, I will remember something I planned to accomplish before I left today. But is remembering that you forgot something really forgetting? I read that question somewhere, but I can't recall.

Yesterday, I got a nudge from someone. I have no idea the person nor the situation. But they said, "when you get to be my age, you'll see. Your memory isn't what it once was." How can I remember that, but not the details? The mind is an amazing thing.

It makes you think that we usually (or should) remember things verbatim. As if information moves perfectly into our heads and is stored there. Waiting for retrieval. When really, our memories are fluid, moving back and forth and changing with our experiences and our own expectations. Sometimes, I tell my students that the field of psychology is really the study of how your brain messes with your mind.

How does this even relate to parenting, you ask. Great question! When I talk to families about their crisis of the week, (and we all have them, I don't mean that in a pejorative way), I get completely different stories depending on the teller. Then I get to hear the different ways that family members call each other liars. But, for me, I believe everyone. Based on our own "self" we see things, hear things, smell things, all differently. So when we recall them, the past is a completely different world. The goal, as I see it, is not to convince the party member of how "it really happened" but to agree on a shared understanding and perhaps move towards a shared goal of how to get along better next time. Tricky Sticky business. It's hard to get over the hump of needing to be right. "But wait, Dr. Kenya, I have to just tell you this part." But no, dear, you don't. Let's think about how we can make the next story have a happier ending. Together.

[http://www.fuelyourwriting.com/wheres-your-conflict/]

So... your task, if you choose to accept it: Consider th is. How do you let your search for the truth get in the way of your family's successful conflict?

Heavy stuff to think about before a cup of coffee (a little preachy)

2011-07-01T11:05:00.000-04:00

Yesterday on the plane, I sat next to a woman who was reading a book called "Stella." She told me that it was written by a Jew about Hitler. We talked momentarily about the implications of that and some of the interesting things in the book. I don't generally enjoy historical novels. Honestly, I would say that my knowledge of specific historical events is pretty terrible. Towards the end of the conversation, the woman (turned out to be a master's level therapist) said something to the effect of the horrible things that humans do to each other. This statement actually reflects the reason why I avoid books and other accounts of history. And the horrible things get stuck in my head.

So, I woke up this morning thinking of the unspeakable things that we do to one another. This line of thinking started where it generally does. With the big historical events that continue to effect large groups of people. The Jewish Holocaust. The Africans' Maafa. The Native American Trail of Tears. When this (and other nations') values were and priorities were a bit screwy. Success over humanity. Business over relationships. Land over empathy. When our value of stuff overrode our value of life. These terrible shifts in values were often shrouded in politics and lies. To varying degrees these events are, at times, dismissed as "mistakes" of the past that should be "gotten over." At other times they are remembered and honored in large gatherings of celebration and mourning.

From these thoughts, my mind moved, eventually, to more routine kinds of abuse. Somewhere a child is being touched, a wife is being battered, a husband is walking on emotional eggshells. And smaller acts: children who rarely see smiles in their homes. People who are sitting around gossiping and plotting. Businesses that are targeting groups of people for discrimination. Verbal and written distribution of hate and bigotry.

Heavy stuff to think about before a cup of coffee.

Here's the thing. Ya know, as I see it. It's important to remember the horrors that have happened. That statement is too passive for my mood. Let me restate it: It is important to remember that horrors that we have done to other people. That you and I have done to people that we know and that people have done to us. I don't mean that we need to harp on them and beat them into the ground. Venting is only helpful so far as it leads to some emotional relief and a subsequent ability to make a useful plan. I mean that recognizing a tragedy, and the role of its players, is the first step in being able to make that useful plan. Denial, silence, and shame are counter productive. This is true on the large scale of world events involving genocide and on the smaller scale of interactions between families.

So... today. Think about the behaviors your children see. What are the values that they are learning from you? I'm not referencing the words they hear from you. Most families can say they value "the right things," the pro-social things: love, cooperation, acceptance, life, liberty.

But what values are you LIVING in front of your family?

Conversations from a Classroom

2011-06-26T18:15:00.000-04:00

One of the ways I pass my time is to serve as a Behavioral Health Consultant in two local Head Start Centers. Last week was their last week for the year. I went in to say goodbye to the children that were leaving and also just to hang out with the teachers and wish them a Happy Summer. Teachers are amazing creatures to me... but that's another topic for another day.

A group of us were having one of those "back in our day" and "I just can't understand kids today" sort of conversations. But because we all work with parents the focus was a little different. It revolved around the difficulty there often is in getting parents to participate in school activities with their children. One of the teachers suggested that Head Start mandate parent involvement and participation in parenting workshops. I think that would be great, although I doubt it would work in any simple form. There would need to be real incentives to address real barriers that parents face. And there would need to be real consequences for families that just flat out refused to comply. Neither is something that poorly funded programs like Head Start can really address well without careful planning... (here's another great topic for another day's blog).

Another theme, one of my favorite themes, is this idea of parents who restrict there children from playing outside. Well, maybe restrict is too strong a concept. More like, they don't encourage their children to play outside. These kids sit inside and play video games or engage in other non - physical activities most of the time while at home. One of the teachers said that there were children in her class this year who really struggled with being involved in the classroom because they were so weak. And others who have no idea how to entertain themselves during free-choice time. These are two groups of children who often complain about being on the play ground or taking walks. Who seek out the teachers often rather than knowing how to engage with other children appropriately. The group of us recalled how, when we were young, we hit the door as soon as we woke up. We ate lunch on the porch so as not to miss anything. We came home when the "street lights came on." Having to stay inside was like a punishment. Nobody worried that no one had cell phones back then, or that we would get hurt or that we wouldn't be able to solve some child- sized problem. Because we could solve the problem. At least, we knew how to try first, before we asked for help from a parent we knew was in the house (or a phone call away for those of us with working parents) if we needed them.

Finally, and this is another of my favorite topics to talk about with parents, we talked about parents who don't know how to play. How does that happen? Are they the adults that were once the children who never played outside? Do they think that you outgrow play? Do they feel silly?

When you talk about parents who need to "learn something" it implies that they are lacking in some skill. That if you just teach it to them, they will do it and do it well. And this may be true for some parents. But the truth is, there are other reasons parents don't participate at their kids' school, encourage outdoor play, or engage in playful activities with their children. One is fear. I'll let you think on that one until another day. Another reason is that they don't know that they should do these things. They don't know the value of these things and/ or they don't see them as falling within the scope of their parenting role. Parents have come to rely on schools and teachers to teach many of the values and skills that were once the sole responsibility of families. And indeed, schools should shoulder some of the burden. But let's not forget that the first and most powerful teachers your children have are you.

What did your children learn from you today?

Changes can STRESS you out!

2011-06-14T19:01:00.000-04:00

This week I successfully made the transition into my new office. I'm thrilled to be moving into a more independent setting to meet and work with families. I'm currently accepting new patients, ya know (shameless plug).

Sometimes, change is good. Like, when you move into a new job or office. Change seems especially great when you choose it for yourself or when you feel that you are totally ready for it and it's going to lead to great things down the road. Sometimes, though, change is not so great. Like when someone passes away or you are forced to find a new place to live. In the "bad" cases of change, it's usually a matter of someone else making a choice for you or feeling like it's not a change you are ready to cope with.

Whether good or bad, change can be scary or stressful. Stress can be thought of as any change that threatens to damage your ability to cope and complete day to day tasks. So, for example. Let's say that you are completely excited about an upcoming wedding. You are happy, but the planning is taking up a great deal of time and the whole thing intrudes upon your thoughts all day long. I'm sure we can all think of a comparable negative example, too.

It's important to notice when you are feeling really stressed out. Maybe your eating becomes unhealthy. Or you stop working out. Or you start drinking more wine after work or you start getting snippy with your spouse or children. I can think of 10 unhealthy ways to cope with stress. Let's see if we can come up with 10 healthy ways to do it:

Go!

The Mirror Self/ Parent and Long Term Parenting Goals

2011-06-10T23:09:00.000-04:00

My daughter and I were standing in line today waiting for something or other when she said something to me. I don't remember what it was or what we were talking about. But I remember that I had a moment of hope. Hope that no one was in earshot because she whatever she said was right between being cute and being rude. She walks that line often. As do many "witty" adolescents.

But it got me to thinking. I talk with parents often about their reactivity to their children's behavior. Very often it related to what they think other people are thinking about them as people and as parents. That is, they say something like: "I just wanted him to stop screaming in the Wal-Mart. People were looking at me." Or something like: "I couldn't let him talk to me like that! What would people think!" Suddenly, your worth as a parent boils down to THIS MOMENT.

And I get it. I've been there. But take a minute and think about it. You are faced with THIS MOMENT every moment. And parenting lasts for YEARS. A different way to measure parenting success is to think about your Long - Haul Parenting goals. It's less about moment to moment behaviors. So for instance: does my child show appropriate compassion, kindness, and values most of the time? Are her problem solving skills developing? Does she get along well with most reasonably behaved peers and adults? Can he follow when necessary and lead when appropriate? Do we have the kind of relationship that fosters discussion, encouragement and acceptance?

And remember, its important to remember that no one, big or small, does these things 100% of the time. You have to notice and appreciate the successes more often than you bundle the failures and throw them back at someone. But I think that is a topic for a different blog.

So think about it: What are your long term parenting goals? What kind of person do you want your child to become? What are the lessons she or he is learning that will keep them on that track or derail them? Are you leading them to that goal? Are you standing in their way? Would you follow you?

Opportunities for Failure

2011-05-27T11:07:00.000-04:00

I have been having conversations lately that share a theme, the idea that life is hard. And that people really want life to be easy. Nothing too profound there, right? But hear me out.

The truth is, life isn't easy. Most of the people that I work with, in each and every capacity, are having some kind of difficulty because they are trying to make life easier. Usually, the way they go about this is to attempt to force other people to conform to their wishes. For example, (from a parent or a teacher) "if [insert child's name here] would just follow my rules, we wouldn't have a problem!" Or (from a child) "if my mom would just let me do what I want, we wouldn't have a problem!" Both of these statements are, of course, absolutely false, but that's a topic for another day.

But the other way parents really try to make life easier is to shield their kids from situations where they can get hurt or make mistakes. Or to solve all of their problems for them, quickly, and without discussion. Now, I'm not saying that you should send your babies into war zones or ask your 5-year-old to walk up the street to the corner store to buy your cigarettes for you discussion just so they can deal with things on their own. Kids definitely need limits. But they also need enough room to make choices, make mistakes, and hopefully, try again. When people see children who are poor decision makers, they might be tempted to think that child is "slow." But when I see one, I think that I'm looking at a child who hasn't had enough chances to flex his decision making muscles. In fact, it is the ability to make good choices and see their benefits (and the learning that goes along with it) that contribute to that healthy self- esteem. You know, the kind that is based on reality rather than the weird sense of entitlement that kids seem so good at.

Now, watch out, here. Like I said. Kids need limits. Parents and other adults in children's lives have a role to play when it comes to helping children make good choices. When they have a problem, talk to them about what they think their options are, what the consequences might be, what their goal is and how they can reach it. AND about making choices that maintain healthy relationships. Be open to their ideas. And their questions. And being open means that you do not say something like "that's a dumb idea! I can't even beleive you would say something like that!" It means you listen and you say things like "hmm, that is one way to do it" and "I hadnt thought of that" and "wow, you have got SOME ideas!" Try to hold off on the immediate problem solving impulse. Yes. You know the answer. And yes, your problem solving is awesome. But, won't it be great when theirs is, too?

Steps to solving a problem:

State the problem (What is your problem? So, then, what is the goal?)
Think of possible solutions (There are probably multiple ways to solve the problem. How many can you think of? At this step, all ideas are okay even if they are unrealistic.)
Consider the consequences (You really want to weed out solutions that create more problems or make the problem worse. The best way to do this is to consider what might happen later. NOTE: This is especially hard for young child, who don't have a good sense of consquences and "future orientation.")
Pick a solution and try it!

If you combine steps 3 and 4 then you have the classic: STOP, THINK, GO! model of problem solving.
And don't forget: Sometimes we make a choice that leads to an outcome we don't want... so we have a new opportunity to try again!

Blogging for Mental Health

2011-05-23T19:39:00.000-04:00

Blogging for Mental Health hosted a blogging for mental health party on May 18th. I'm a little late for that. But I've been thinking about starting a new blog for some time. Why not today!?